A couple weeks ago I was talking with some friends about my upcoming trip. Some one asked me, "Why do you want to go?" This is one of a few questions that I dont have an answer that satisfies the one asking it. And at times it doesnt satisfy me. I cant give you bullet pointed reasons as to why I want to go to Haiti. Right now, my answer is because of obedience. This idea of going to Haiti is exciting! It is sure to be full of challenges, growth, seeing change and fun. It is an adventure. The reality of going to Haiti is all of those things, but the challenge part sticks out more than the exciting part. Dont get me wrong, I want to go. But there have been so many time where not going would have been so much easier. There have been many what in the world am I doing moments that could have been avoided if I chose not to go. Because I could have chosen to say no. I didnt HAVE to go. In processing thought my decision to go, many told me there is no right or wrong answer. God will not punish you if you dont go. (I do wonder if God would be disappointed if I said no, in the way a parent is disapointed in a child when they are asked to do something and they chose to ignore it)
But disappointing God was not a reason for saying yes.
As I look back through old journals I see over and over the prayers asking God for direction. Asking God whats next. Asking God what role Haiti plays in this. Asking, Asking, Asking. And over and over I would be so frustrated and the lack of an answer when I wanted it.
He gave me an answer. As I questioned my answer I realized, How can I keep asking God what He has for me only to say, no thanks, not now, thats too hard?
So, I am going to Haiti because I want to be obedient to My Father who has given me what I wanted: An answer as to what is next as the same time fufilling a desire of my heart. I want to live a life that is willing to listen and response immediately when He speaks.
And, selfishly, I want the continued blessings (and lessons) that have come out of this whirlwind season of saying yes.
This process to get to this point has been LONG. But the time from which I was accepted and 'officially' going to Haiti til my plane touches down in Haiti will have been a little over 2 months.
WHIRLWIND.
There have been so many times in these last few months where I have been given gentle reminders that God is in control. He is the ONLY one who is able to work all of this out.
And He can do SO MUCH MORE than I could ever imagine.
I have done everything I can to minimize the bills I will have at home while I am gone. One thing I did was rent out my room. The first girl decided not to rent it. I scrambled to find someone else. The second girl said yes, and it was going to work better than the first. She back out and that same day someone else came and it will work even better than the first two girls. Each time, I freaked out and wondered what I would do. Not renting my room meant another $1600 to raise. Each time, I said what I have said so many times before, God you HAVE to come through on this. And Each time, He did. Each time, better than before.
I had everything taken care of only to have another unexpected bill..another $1000. This time, it was a melt down. Once again, God provided, reminding me that I can try as hard as I can, but He is the one who is working it all out.
The middle of January, I was talking with friends and said I have to raise $1000 a week to make my goal of leaving the end of March. That sounds so overwhelming to me and to everyone I talked with. How in the world would I raise $8000 in only 8 weeks. Everyone asked me what I was going to do to raise the money. I had already sent out support letters. I was feeling discouraged and like I wasnt doing enough. But there was no time to do anything else. The month of February and March was pretty much full. Unusually full. Things that I had no control over kept coming up and taking away my time. I remember laying in bed one Saturday morning in the middle of February (only 4 weeks ago!!), again discouraged that I 0% support raise. ZERO. Again, another gentle reminder of who is really in charge. And here I am 4 weeks later having ALL. 100%. EVERYTHING. of the support I needed*. If you are doing the math, I averaged $2000 a week! And what is even more amazing is the majority of my support came from unexpected people and places.
(*I have 100% of my support committed)
And to top it off, I was given two free tickets to Disneyland before I leave. Just two days prior, Chet and I were talking about how we wanted to go there.
He hears, friends. He hears and he responds. In big way and in the smallest ways.
I had a friend tell me this is a season of blessings. And I do not disagree, because IT IS! God has been POURING them out on me. God loves to bless his people. I think God will bless his people even if they arent obedient. But I think I have come to believe that his blessing ABOUND when we are obedient to Him. I never would have exprienced all of those blessing, had I not said yes to what He was asking of me! I never would have experienced his love and grace the way I did these last few months had I not said yes.
I think back to the promises God made with his people in the Old Testament. Over and Over he blesses his people when they obey. "...all these blessings will come upon you and accompany you if you obey the Lord your God..." (Deut 28)
He tells us to obey then he will bless!
I have been able to purchase a plane ticket! I am chosing to believe that this was even another blessing from the Lord. He knew how much this was frustrating me being I was so close to my anticipapted departure date (They ask that I have 95% of my support raised before I purchase a ticket, however I was given the go ahead to purchase it when I was only at 75% trusting that I would get the addiational funds.
So this means I am 16 days away from boarding the plane. There is still lots to do. Lots to process. Please pray for me as those doubts and fears creep in becuase I know they will. Pray that I will have boldness to step into what ever is asked of me while I am there.
He is faithful.
He is good.
His ways are not mine.
He can do IMMEASURABLY MORE than I could ever ask for.
